Worth and Identity
Edited and Taken from my personal journal on 2017.09.19
Mornings – God’s Invitation to Vulnerability?
This morning I yelled at Sophia for opening the fridge after I had told her not to.
I apologized to her, but gave it one of my typical apologies in that I was sorry, “BUT”, I didn’t like the way she seemingly disrespected me by not doing what I had asked her to do.
First, I need to stop with “justifying apologies.” I should either apologize or not, but stop seeking to justify my outbursts. Self-control – a virtue we (I) preach but practice so rarely in my own life.
Second, I need to grow deeper to realize the true source of my frustration and be honest with myself about that. Self-awareness coupled with self-control would certainly help me to grow up to become who God is calling me to be.
Causes Real and Imagined
I am stressed about the fridge because it seems to be breaking. It has been making noise and not cooling as it should. But it’s just a fridge. Not the end of the world.
But that means one more unexpected expense in a week that is already tight.
That means that I am really stressed about money, not a SAMSUNG model whatever it is and not a daughter disrespecting her dad.
Really, that means I’m struggling with more than money. I’m struggling with TRUST and WORTH.
The Real Questions – Trust and Worth
Do I really TRUST that God and life and love and all the things that really matter are bigger than a broken fridge? Or is this where the universe falls off the rails? Is this, the breaking fridge against the back wall of my house, at the end of the street in a neighborhood full of cul-de-sacs, the last shot heard ‘round the world, signaling the end of the present age and the beginning of the age to come?
Or is it just a fridge with a failing fan, or motor, or compressor that is either repairable or replaceable?
The last idea seems more likely.
And so then, is it maybe my pride that is the issue?
My pride that seeks to protect itself from admitting that the money is a little tight this week? And isn’t that a particularly bald-faced pride, having seen first hand what it looks like in cultures where money is really tight and one your (hopeful) two meals a day is dependent on mangoes dropping from your neighbor’s tree and landing on your side of the razor wire fence?
And it’s my pride that is wounded because I’ve put my WORTH in the wrong place. I’ve measured myself in the wrong economy and forgotten about the economy of God’s grace, the one that matters, the one where my WORTH comes from beyond me and is not dependent on bank accounts or failing compressors.
And because I forgot, I took out my anxiety on another, on one I love.
She didn’t seem all that upset about it, but I am.
I’m upset at my own forgetfulness and petty worries, and in this moment I see how that twists and bends the world around me into shapes it wasn’t meant to hold.
But my worth isn’t wrapped up in this morning’s failure and I trust there’s a better way to be. A way into which we are all being called.